


Crazy coffee shop AU one shot

by medka



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: ALL THE SHIPS ARE ONLY MENTIONED, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, But my teacher checked it, Crack, F/M, Gen, Hetalia Countries Using Human Names, How Do I Tag, Lithuania's life is hard, M/M, So there should be no mistakes, english is not my first language, i think it's funny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:28:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24338149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/medka/pseuds/medka
Summary: Tolys and Alfred work at a cafe and everyone is making it more difficult than it should be.It is a slight crack and the closer to the end the crazier it gets.But it's not THAT crazy. Just a little.
Relationships: Austria/Hungary (Hetalia), Austria/Spain (Hetalia), Austria/Switzerland (Hetalia), Belarus/Lithuania (Hetalia), Hungary & Poland (Hetalia)
Kudos: 8





	Crazy coffee shop AU one shot

“...and then I just climbed up the tree so I could get on the roof. I picked up that cat, it was really cute by the way, I carefully navigated my way back down, making sure I didn’t fall and returned it to her as a hero I am. Dude, I’m telling ya, she was so thankful then... I’m quite sure she’s madly in love with me now...”

Tolys wasn’t really paying attention to Alfred babbling next to him. But the customer’s child apparently was.

“That seems fake” said the boy who had laid his head on the counter.

Alfred turned to face the child.

“You weren’t there so you don’t know” sounding offended.

“Well yeah, but why was that lady’s cat on the roof?”

“Because it climbed there and couldn’t get down”

“But-“

“Please excuse him” said a small man whose order Tolys was taking. He kneeled down to face the boy, grabbed his hands and said very calmly. “Peter, please behave. You’re acting like your uncle Mathias right now. And we don’t want that, do we?”

The boy nodded in resignation.

Tolys cleared his throat, seeing other customers grow impatient.

“Caffe Americano for Tino and Caramel Frappuccino with whipped cream and sprinkles for Peter. Anything else?”

The customer stood up. “No, thank you. That’s all”

“That will be 4.30. Please wait for your order to be called out by _Alfred_ ” Tolys hissed looking at his co-worker, who was as always talking instead of doing what he was supposed to do.

After the customer paid, he dragged his son to one of the tables, but the child somehow managed to turn back for a second and stick out his tongue at Alfred, who replied in kind.

_I need a break_ , Tolys thought, rubbing his temples as he turned to take the next customer’s order.

“Jesus, that kid-”

“Get back to your work, Alfred” Tolys cut him off.

Alfred mumbled a few not so nice words but decided to ignore him.

“Hello, what can I get you?” Tolys asked the next customer – a young man with a smaller girl standing behind him, who Tolys didn’t notice at first.

_God, why do people keep coming here with kids?_ He thought.

“What’s the cheapest coffee you have?”

Tolys sighed. “Short brewed coffe, I believe”

“How much does it cost?”

“2.10”

“I’ll take it.”

“Name?”

“Basch”

“I want-” the girl started to say while toying with a ribbon in her hair.

“She will take juice”

“But-”

“On your right” whispered Alfred who suddenly walked up to Tolys from behind.

“What?” Tolys just didn’t understand anything because suddenly everyone was talking at the same time.

Alfred motioned to the doors where two girls walked in. Tolys just caught a short glimpse of them. One of them had long dark hair while the other’s was shorter and blond. He looked away.

“Alfred, I told you, you have to stop checking out our customers” sighed Tolys and turned back to the customer standing in front of him. “I’m sorry. Could you please repeat?”

The man gave him an unamused look. “I said she would take juice”

“Sir, we don’t serve juice here”

The man pinched the bridge of his nose and inhaled deeply. “What do you serve then? For children” he specified.

“Basch, I’m almost fourteen” said the girl.

“Therefore you’re a child”

“We have super cool fruity punch with a pinch of dragon fruit” chimed in Alfred who once again was doing nothing.

The customer just shook his head. “Okay”

“Name?” Tolys asked with a sharpie in his hand.

“Erika”

“That will be 4.60”

The man sighed like he was in great pain and with some hesitation pulled out from his pocket... A gold bank card with a Swiss flag on it.

“What the f-” Alfred started but Tolys nudged him in the ribcage with his elbow.

The man paid and he and the girl went to wait for their drinks that would never arrive because Alfred once again lost interest in his job. This time it was because of the two girls who had entered the shop earlier. Now they were standing right in front of Tolys and Alfred.

“Hello, what-” Tolys started with his mantra but was interrupted by Alfred, who pushed him away, leaned over the counter and chippered “Hello! What would the beautiful ladies like?”

The shorter girl just looked him dead in the eyes and inhaled deeply while the taller one just started to laugh uncontrollably, holding her companion’s shoulder in order not to fall down.

Tolys pushed Alfred back. “I’m sorry for my friend. What can I get you?”

The blonde stopped laughing and tried to keep a straight face. “White hot chocolate with double whipped cream, please”

Tolys looked at her. Who the hell buys hot chocolate? Also there was something in her voice that was not quite right. Probably the accent.

“Name?”

“Feliks. With k and s”

Tolys blinked. “Excuse me?”

“F-E-L-I-K-S” she smiled. Or he. Tolys didn’t like misgendering people so he decided to stick with “they” for now.

“Separate bills?”

The girl with dark hair wanted to say something but Feliks interrupted her “I’m paying”

“All right then. What would you like?” asked Tolys who didn’t want to listen to some sort of argument about who should pay.

“Some small black coffee or something”

“Name?”

“Eliza”

“Where are you from?” asked Alfred. Tolys shot him a glance because they’ve discussed this topic many times (finally deciding that asking people where they come from just because their accent wasn’t perfect was clearly a little rude), and pushed him back so he would make drinks for all those waiting people.

“I’m from Poland and Eliza is from Hungary!” happily exclaimed Feliks.

“Ah, small world! Tolys is from Russia, too!” said Alfred trying to prepare previous customers’ orders.

All three of them, Tolys, Feliks and Eliza looked at Alfred with confusion. He turned back and smiled. He wasn’t joking.

“Alfred, I’ve told you numerous times that I’m from Lithuania”

“But isn’t it in Russia? Just like Poland and Hungary...”

Tolys just dismissed him with motion of hand. “I’m so sorry. He’s American”

“It happens quite a lot. Not gonna lie” said Feliks pulling out money to pay.

Suddenly there was a dramatic yelp and some man run up to Eliza.

“Erzsebet! My beautiful! It must be fate that brought us here together!”

Eliza looked disgusted and cringed away from the man. “What do you want? I said it was over! None of your marriages last for more than a year! Leave me alone!”

“Love please, forgive me. I’m also worried for you. Because you see, since our break up you spend even more time with him!” the man waved towards Feliks “And that’s not what normal people do”

Feliks gasped, clearly offended.

Tolys was just staring stunned at the scene but fortunately Alfred decided to intervene. “Sorry dude, but we will have to ask you to leave”

The man turned to him. The look of pure desperation still painted on his face. He then shifted and let Eliza go. He looked like a real gentleman. But didn’t act like one.

“And why is that?”

“You’re kind of... Bothering our customer”

Tolys was still bewildered and just stared at the man. Just like everyone in the cafe did.

He then heard somebody clear their throat.

“Could we please have our drinks? I paid for them” said the weird man who had bought the cheapest things and paid with a gold bank card. Tolys decided to call him the-not-so-poor-man.

Tolys turned to him trying to act normal.

“Yes, of course. We’re so sorry-”

“Basch! My dear!” shouted the crazy man who was still trying to kidnap Eliza... Or something. Tolys decided this one would just be called just “Crazy Kidnapper” then. It fitted.

“Don’t even look at me” shouted the-not-so-poor-man trying to cover himself with his palm.

“Oh love, won’t you help me?’ scowled Crazy Kidnapper.

Tolys just got confused in what was happening and didn’t know to whom, Eliza or the-not-so-poor-man, Crazy Kidnapper was referring as “love”.

“I’m sorry but we all need to calm down. Could you please solve your... Problems outside of our cafe?” Tolys asked, now almost crying.

Nobody even cared.

All the other customers started to leave.

Tolys looked at Alfred, his eyes begging him for help. But Alfred was making some overdue drinks. _Just in time_. He seemed to enjoy the drama, though. Of course. He never gets involved until somebody attacks him.

The-not-so-poor-man was now furiously shouting in... German? French? Tolys couldn’t even identify the language. Apparently neither did Crazy Kidnapper, who was crying out how the Swiss accent was not possible to understand, to what the-not-so-poor-man replied with a simple “Too bad”.

“Is he some sort of your ex?” asked Feliks who was eating cookies from the counter. Tolys smacked their hands away.

“You could say that but we’re more of just neighbours” said Crazy Kidnapper.

“My brother doesn’t have time for-” started the girl with a ribbon in her hair (everybody forgot she even existed) but the-not-so-poor-man silenced her with a movement of his hand. He then handed her the drink from Alfred (nobody even cared if he got the order right), grabbed his own coffee in one hand and reached out the other one towards the girl, who sighed and took it.

“Don’t talk to me or my sister ever again” he said before giving everyone a raging glare and leaving.

Tolys sighed in relief, thinking that the problem was gone.

Not even in a slightest.

Then he saw Eliza pulling out of nowhere a frying pan and swinging it at Crazy Kidnapper.

“In the name of God-”

“Miss, please put that down” interrupted Alfred. Tolys gave him a thankful look.

“But she said it’s in the name of God therefore it’s totally okay” said Feliks who apparently was just as excited about hitting Crazy Kidnapper with a frying pan as Eliza.

Everybody, including Crazy Kidnapper and Alfred, started arguing about whether it’s moral or not to hit somebody in face with a pan. Tolys just zoned out.

But when he heard “Aren’t you married to Antonio anyway?” followed by “No, we got divorced two days ago”, he decided he’d had enough.

“I don’t care how, just get them out of here” he whispered to Alfred before disappearing in the support area.

He closed the door and slowly sat on the floor. _I’m not paid enough for this_ , he thought and exhaled a long tired sigh.

In order to listen to some music to forget about all the crazy things happening outside the door he pulled his phone out of pocket. Then he saw a message from his girlfriend. It said:

“Did you touch my knife collection? Miss Prekrasnaya and Sir Bolshoy have scratches on them. You might want to explain that. Because if it was you, I’ll kill you myself and sacrifice your dead body to my brother. Please answer”

Tolys hit his head against the wall with resignation. Why couldn’t his life be normal?

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to add an ilustration I did but I can't figure out how to put it on ao3 so you can see it on my instagram: https://www.instagram.com/p/CAiSnQWHWsx/


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